Thursday, March 31, 2005

In the Gloom, Some Levity...

This is shaping up to be a particularly gloomy day -- Terry Schiavo has been judicially murdered and our beloved Pontiff is said to be extremely ill, possibly to the point of death. Not to make light of any of that, but rather to inject a little bit of goodwill into the day, I am reproducing a portion of the OpinionJournal's Best of the Web Today.

I hope this makes all of you feel a little better, as it did me:

Dispatcher: Sheriff's department, how can I help you?
Caller: Yeah, I'm over here at Burger King, right here in San Clemente--
Dispatcher: Mm-hmm.
Caller: --um, no, not San Clemente, I'm sorry. Um, I live in San Clemente. I'm in Laguna Niguel, I think that's where I'm at.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Caller: I'm at a drive-thru right now.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Caller: I ordered my food three times. They're mopping the floor inside, and I understand they're busy. They're not even busy, OK, I've been the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbecue Burger. OK, they keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato and cheese, onions. And I said, I am not leaving.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Caller: I want a Western Burger. Because I just got my kids from tae kwon do; they're hungry. I'm on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.
Dispatcher: Uh-huh.
Caller: OK, she gave me another hamburger. It's wrong. I said four times, I said, "I want it." She goes, "Can you go out and park in front?" I said, "No. I want my hamburger right." So then the lady came to the manager, or whoever she is--she came up and she said, um, "Did you want your money back?" And I said, "No. I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on the toll freeway [sic]." I said, "I am not leaving this spot," and I said I will call the police, because I want my Western Burger done right. Now is that so hard?
Dispatcher: OK, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?
Caller: Send an officer down here. I want them to make me the right--
Dispatcher: Ma'am, we're not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.
Caller: What am I supposed to do?
Dispatcher: This is between you and the manager. We're not going to go enforce how to make a hamburger. That's not a criminal issue. There's nothing criminal there.
Caller: So I just stand here--so I just sit here and block--
Dispatcher: You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.
Caller: She did come up, and I said, "Can I please have my Western Burger?" She said, "I'm not dealing with it," and she walked away. Because they're mopping the floor and it's all full of suds, and they don't want to go through there, and--
Dispatcher: Ma'am, then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can't go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.
Caller: Well, that is, that--you're supposed to be here to protect me.
Dispatcher: Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?
Caller: No. It's--
Dispatcher: Is this like, is this a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don't understand what you want us to do.
Caller: Well, just come down here! I'm not leaving!
Dispatcher: No, ma'am, I'm not sending the deputies down there over a cheeseburger! You need to go in there and act like an adult and either get your money back or go home.
Caller: I do not need to go. She is not acting like an adult herself. I'm sitting here in my car. I just want them to make my kid a Western Burger [unintelligible].
Dispatcher: Now this is what I suggest: I suggest you get your money back from the manager and you go on your way home.
Caller: OK.
Dispatcher: OK? Bye-bye.
Caller: No--
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